Big Girl World

I have the tendency to get obsessed with a song and play it over and over again for a period of time. Usually it's because I've become attached to something in the lyrics that reminds me of my life at the time, making it part of my soundtrack for a while. There's this song by Kendall Payne called "Scratch" and it's kinda my song of the moment right now. I keep playing it over and over on my ipod.

On Saturday I got rejected from grad school. With that window of opportunity closed, the weight of the real world that I have felt every day since my college graduation last August seemed to double. The first lines of "Scratch" are "It's a big girl world now full of big girl things...How can you dream when you can't fall asleep?"

I tossed and turned most of the night. I woke up this morning with college in the past and absent from the near future. It was scary. I had anticipated getting in, which meant I knew where I would be for the next two years and most of what I would be doing. As a person who plans, that would have given me so much peace of mind and made me feel really safe. Now, with a wide open future with no specific prospects I'm starting to second guess myself and freak out about what I'm going to do. Kendall goes on to sing, "I used to think I was special, but only I have proved me wrong." Doubt creeps into my mind and I start to think of all the things I did wrong to screw up getting into grad school. Proving to yourself that you didn't deserve it--that you're not so special after all--is maddening! (Not to mention completely wrong and unproductive.)

So what am I going to do? Well, for now I can keep looking for that elusive "real job," pray a lot, become Mary Tyler Moore (another theme song of mine at the moment), and listen to "Scratch" until my ipod dies or my roommates threaten to kill me.